Scare ’em up: The best (worst) flicks for Halloween

With Halloween creeping upon us, forget the harmless hayride and wander into the spooky realm of truly scary movies. (Tacit memo to self: Directors Ed Wood and Russ Meyer have complete absolution.)

And now, watch them if you dare…

1. “Showgirls” (1995) – Sexpot Elizabeth Berkley (who played feminist high schooler Jessie on the teen schlocker “Saved by the Bell”) is protagonist Nomi, the small-town girl who wants to kick it up in Las Vegas as an exotic dancer. When I worked at Entertainment Weekly in New York City, my colleague Owen Gleiberman once wrote of this universally panned flick, “Berkley has exactly two emotions: hot and bothered.” This film is so bad, it’s delectable, but in a very creepy way. And trust me, you’ll never handle ice cubes the same way again.

2. “The Conqueror” (1956) – John Wayne as Genghis Khan? Really? That’s almost as horrifying (in eye-rolling fashion), as movie gangster Edward G. Robinson’s role as Dathan in “The Ten Commandments,” sneering with quotes such as, “I am here, girl, because I would put no fear in a desert god and his mud-pit prophet, see?” (OK, so I threw in the “see” part; still, Robinson was utterly miscast.) Which brings us back to The Duke – woefully funny in this Howard Hughes box-office bomb. It’s reported that Hughes thought this film to be so bad, that he bought up all the copies and held onto them until 1974. Still, it’s worth a peeksie just to see Wayne in a Fu Manchu mustache, drawling and swaggering through lines like, “Every morning (pause), our men will train (pause) with their weapons.” What, no pilgrim?

3. “Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan” (1989) – Arguably, the worst of the film series and most predictable, hence, eliciting the most chuckles. Components: horny teenagers, the drowned, decomposing kid Jason Vorhees from Camp Crystal Lake (actually a real Boy Scout camp in Hardwick, N.J., called Camp NoBeBoSco) who is resurrected from the undead, dons a hockey mask, kills off the ship crew, etc., and then drives the boat to a nearby port. (Don’t all lakes have ports?) Teenagers board, murder, murder, murder. Theater-goers bored, snooze, snooze, snooze, and somehow this large boat adrift on a tiny lake reaches New York City. Ah, the magic of film making – and the importance of very accessible lighted exits.

4. “Mommie Dearest” (1981) – Without a doubt, a cult classic, but Faye Dunaway’s portrayal of Joan Crawford will still give you the willies. Key scenes: In the garden, when she beckons her adopted darling Christina to “Bring me the ax!” and then proceeds to prick and tangle herself in a rosebush after being fired from MGM. Wire hangers have been quoted to death, just ask a dry cleaner. Instead, wait for the chilling bathroom scene where Mommie Dearest, her mug full of face cream and blood red lipstick, beats her daughter with a can of Old Dutch Cleanser, white powder filling the air. And then before exiting, while screaming, “Clean up this mess!” Dunaway stares directly into the camera as her eyes actually cross and then uncross. A frightful freak show.

5. “Kate & Leopold” (2001) – There are so many historical flubs and gaffs in this film, you could turn it into an drinking game. But I’ll cut to the chase of the disturbing overtones. Leopold, future inventor of the elevator, meets Stuart (who is a descendant Leopold, we later figure out) and the duo falls from a portal (how convenient) from 1876 to present day New York. Enter Kate (Meg Ryan), who is Stuart’s ex-girlfriend. Romance ensues between Kate and Leopold, but, as we find out at the end of the movie, Kate is actually from 1876, so in present day Manhattan, Stuart (Liev Schreiber) was in fact dating his great-great-grandmother. It’s creepy and it’s kooky and all together ooky.

6. “Myra Breckinridge” (1970) – Based on the book by Gore Vidal, this camp film is about a sex change. In this case, movie critic Rex Reed, as Myron, skips to the doctor and comes out as Raquel Welch’s Myra. And in a casting coupe (more like a coffin cue), a 77-year-old Mae West appears as the sultry Leticia, who doesn’t merely appear in the film, she infringes upon it by chewing the scenery like it’s the early bird special. Featured actors include Farrah Fawcett and Tom Selleck in his screen debut, as one of Leticia’s “studs.” Blech. Movie lovers will tell you that “The Exorcist” induced a certain regurgitation; I say “Myra” was right on the money.

7. “Moment by Moment” (1978), “Stayin’ Alive” (1983), “Look Who’s Talking Now” (1993) and “Battlefield Earth” (2000) – What do Lily Tomlin, Sylvester Stallone, talking dogs and the Church of Scientology all have in common? Four bloodcurdling bad reviews in one world: TRAVOLTING!

8. “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” (1966) – “You are cordially invited to George and Martha’s for an evening of fun in games,” touted the movie poster for one of the best and most frightening films of all time. Directed by Mike Nichols, Liz and Dick (Taylor and Burton, that is) stir up a spiteful spectacle in Albert Albee’s wicked romp of rapture and mischief. Taylor and supporting actress Sandy Dennis both won Oscars for their roles in this catty, all-too- taboo tale of lies and adultery. And seriously, who can resist hearing Taylor bark at Burton, “I’m loud, and I’m vulgar, and I wear the pants in the house because somebody’s got to! But I am not a monster!” Trust me, you’ll have goosebumps.

9. ”This is It” (2009) – I think a better title might be “This Was It.” Poor Michael Jackson; he’s this generation’s Elvis, worth more financially (and creatively) in his death than he was moonwalking on this earth. I caught a screening of this haunting docu-pic and to quote the Gloved One himself, “Who’s bad?”

10. “Last Tango In Paris” (1972) – Marlon Brando naked. ’Nuff said.

The Last Retort appears every other week. George Pelletier can be reached at geotripp11@comcast.net.